I'm going to be using this site as a public journal since i don't have much else to go to. i dont know much coding and i dont plan on learning because that's not what this site is for. also this will probably be sad, i don't live a good life. also, if youre wondering, i named this site fundamental just because it was a random word i heard while trying to think of a name. I think it sounds nice.
Today has been average so far, but i'm happy because it's my best friends birthday today. I'm hoping we'll be able to spend some time together, but I'll understand if he has other plans instead. We live far apart, so I'm kind of hard to be included in things. We were meant to hang out a few days ago, but he got sick and had to cancel. Me and my boyfriend are going to spend some time together this week though. I don't think it'll be today though since it's hungover after getting drunk on wine. Who even drinks that much wine? I tried getting drunk once but i couldnt even enjoy it because I was at a wedding and the host kept trying to get me to do weird stuff with one of the groomsmen. My sister was pissed off since she didn't want that to happen. I ended up being fine, but it was a wasted opprotunity. Maybe one day I'll try again, but not anytime soon.
I'm worried I might get too carried away with this site and end up writting way too much in a single entry. People always told me growing up that I talked too much, and they still do. I don't know why I'm really worried about this though. It's my website after all. I guess old habits die hard or whatever other saying could be applied to this situation.
I won't be doing anything other than gaming tonight. Everyone else is busy doing something else. Not that they shouldn't, it's just hard not having that many options. I wish more people understood how lucky they are to have a lot of friends. I used to have a lot of friends and I took it for granted, now I'm just lonely. I don't know what went wrong, but I think it might just be some weird in-between phase from me leaving a friend group to joining a new one. Things will get better eventually I'm sure, that's always how it worked I think. I don't think there's any reason to worry.
It's hard being so far away from all your friends, especially when you're hours ahead of them and not hours behind them. I always have to wait for hours after I wake up to even talk to someone. Even then, half the time they're still busy with hanging out with other people or just doing their own thing. Sometimes it feels like I'm an afterthought, but I know that's kind of a stupid way to think since everyone's entitled to their own lifes. I think it might just be something I have to work on getting over until I get more friends. Anyways, good morning to anyone who's reading this. I'm probably gonna eat breakfast now. Usually I just skip breakfast since I don't usually have the time, plus I tend to overeat a lot, so cutting out a meal gets rid of a chance for me to do that.
I tried mixing ramen flavors for the first time today. I don't know why I never tried it before because it was awesome. Then again, it probably wasn't a good thing to have for breakfast since that's like a shit ton of sodium. If you couldn't tell, I'm not a very healthy person and I don't need to be lectured on it. I know I'm fat and I'm sick of people pointing it out like I'm stupid or something. Like actually just fuck off if you do that shit I'm literally not hurting you at all. The fat people you see living their lives aren't hurting you either and whatever shit you say that you think is gonna change their ways because you're just so smart and good at debating because you watch ben shapiro or some shit like that doesn't actually help anyone. At this point I've stopped trying to argue with people about shit like this and I just end up finding their emails and signing them up for random porn sites and scientology. It's an easy stress reliever I think.
My boyfriend told me it would hang out with me this week since we both have the time, but so far it's done nothing but sleep and hang out with other people without inviting me. Surprisingly, it did have the time to ask me to buy something for it while it was so busy doing absolutely nothing for the entire fucking day. Sometimes I don't know how I was blessed with such a. "caring" partner. I know I'll get over it in a bit, but it does this shit every fuckin time we wanna hang out. I checked my steam history to check all the games I've bought it that it never played with me and it's abhorent. There's don't starve together, red dead online, raft, stardew valley, and we were here together (a game it begged me for just to through a hissy fit that it couldn't solve one of the puzzles and never play with me again). Not only that, but when I'm finally able to get it to make plans with me, 90% of the time it ends up cancelling on me because it's tired or because it wants to do something with someone else last minute. Mind you, it waits til the last fucking minute late at night to even consider doing something with me when it knows I live hours ahead of it, but IT'S the one that gets to be tired. I've tried talking to it about this, but every time I bring up any problem I have in our relationship, it just starts crying and saying it's the worst and that there's nothing it can do until I eventually have to be the one to calm it down and back down just so it won't shoot itself or some shit. Even my best friend has noticed this, bless his heart. I don't want to break up with it though, even if it's kind of shitty. I only have like 3 friends including it. If it doesn't see anything wrong in the relationship and it can provide some mildly entertaining conversation, I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing until I finally get a proper support system.
I'm not as upset as I was yesterday luckily. My boyfriend's not a bad person really, it's just that things are complicated right now. But that's not the point of this update. I'm gonna be hanging out with my best friend today, which I'm very happy about. I bought Elder Scrolls Online for us since it was on sale and he actually plays the games I buy for him. I always liked how appreciative he was of things, but I know that just stems from the fact that he didn't have much growing up. We actually had really different home lifes, and I'm gonna be honest, sometimes I feel like a rich asshole talking to him because I never really had to struggle like he did. It also causes me to end up trying to spoil him in a way since he can't buy much on his own. I was gonna buy him a bunch of stuff for his birthday, but then he told me that he doesn't really do birthdays like how I do them. He's a lot more lowkey about it, which makes sense. The only birthdays I went to as a kid were from a few of my friends and my own, and the rest I learned from TV. I really wanted to surprise him with as much as I could and have that closing scene where he's like "Wow, this was the best birthday ever!!!!" because I think that's what he deserves. I really hope today goes well and he doesn't get sick again or anything. Maybe I should start coming up with fake names for the people I'm talking about to make things simpler.
It's almost 10 now and I haven't heard from my friend. I'm worried that he may end up cancelling on me, but at the same time I'm also worried that something may have happened to him because he's not usually the type to do this. I know I'm being paranoid, but I can't help myself. He'll probably be back soon, but still. I'll let you know if things go well. If you're reading, wish me luck I guess.
WE HUNG OUT AND EVERYTHING WAS GREAT!! He just fell asleep and woke up a bit later. I kinda wish I was less tired while we hung out because I was acting kind of stupid and I know he doesn't really like that, but I'll impress him tomorrow or something to make up for it. At least I hope I can. I just gotta lock in. Goodnight everyone!!!
I messed up the dates on my last few updates. I'm sorry, I have trouble with this kind of stuff sometimes. My account should be a week old in a few days, which I think that means enables the comment section? I don't know if that restriction is just for me or for everyone. But I do admit, it's nice that some people are actually reading this. I'm not above saying that I like the attention, even if that is a bit of a negative trait. To be fair, I think everyone likes some sort of attention from other people, whether it be validation or people reading some gay online journal I made. I can say that by the way. While I don't wanna say too much about myself, I think it's important to say that I am a gay polyamorous guy, and both my boyfriend and my best friend have multiple boyfriends as well. I think I'm the only one without a second partner, which makes me a little upset honestly. Sometimes it feels like my boyfriend doesn't realize I don't have someone I can go to as a partner when it's not around, but I know it would be useless to try and get that point across (see April 4th, 2024). It's whatever though. Guten morgen, everyone.
Sometimes I remember when I had more friends and people actually seemed to like me. I used to be so much more popular and likable and stuff. I'm more popular irl I think, but I don't have any real friends anymore. I used to be in so many different groups and people would talk to me and stuff. I've tried going out of my way to make more friends on different sites and stuff, but I either get ignored or I'm to scared of interacting with anyone to do anything. I've tried asking some of my friends, like my boyfriend and my best friend and my other best friend, but they all say no for different reasons. My boyfriend doesn't bother introducing us, my best friend says his friends are bad people and I shouldn't be around them, and my other best friend asked their friends if I can join them and they all said no. I'm not a bad person I think, all of my current friends like me and think I'm good. Not only that, but I try my best to improve myself in places that I know are more bad than good. If there's something wrong with me, I tell people to tell me because I wanna be better. I can't wait til this is all over and I finally get a friend group so that I won't be this lonely anymore.
I accidentally stabbed my toe while I was walking around the house today. My dad doesn't even know how to put the grates on his own floor vents on correctly, so I was walking around and it stabbed me. I swear to god, the richer someone is, the more stupid they are. My dad doesn't even know when to feed his own cats or how to order something on the menu at a restaurant without being told exactly what to do. It's whatever though. Not much has happened today, but I've been good I think.
Sometimes it's hard knowing the limits of a crush. It looks so normal in TV shows and movies, and I hear about people having them all the time, but when it's me, I always feel so creepy and evil for looking at someone that way. Everything always seems so different when it's applied to me for some reason. What makes me so different from other people? Am I doing it wrong somehow? Sometimes I don't even know if I get crushes or if it's just obsessions. I know why I get obsessed, it's because there's so many things I want that I can't have. I just don't know how to fix it so that I'm not so seceptable to this kind of stuff. Sometimes I think about giving up and just being bad so that things can just be easy, but then I think about who I would be letting down, and the thought terrifies me. At least I'm sure I will be fine though. Even if it's only fear that's causing this.
You always hear these horror stories of people leaving their partners at their lowest point and them killing themselves or something. Or how in stories, their partner will leave right before they get better and they're painted out to be some horrible person because they couldn't support their partner through their struggles. I always see that and get scared. Or I get angry because they don't know what it's like. They don't know what it's like having to be with someone who hasn't showered for over 100 days. They don't know what it's like being ignored for days because their partner was busy "doomscrolling" and hanging out with people without you. They don't know what it's like having every single plan you make with them cancelled because they do one thing in their day and get fatigued for the rest of it. They don't know what it's like seeing other people in happy relationships and wondering when it'll finally be like how it used to with them. They don't know what it's like getting obsessive over other people who treat you decently because your own partner can't. They don't know what it's like having every single person in your life telling you that what's happening isn't healthy and that you need help. All they see is whiney bitch who couldn't handle the stress of a normal relationship. But it isn't normal. You didn't sign up for this when they asked you to be their boyfriend less than a year into you knowing each other. You didn't sign up for any of this. But now it's your responsibility. Even though I don't want it. I didn't want any of this. I wanted to be on my own like I had finally accepted being. I was so close to being happy on my own. I had so many friends and people who liked me. Now I'm a dependant asshole who can't even interact with people without them immediately telling how much of a mess you are and being scared off. I didn't want this life. I didn't want any of it. I didn't know this would happen. How could the world be so cruel as to let love turn into something this vile? Why did I have to be the one stuck in this situation and not some nazi asshole who deserves it? I can't understand any of it. All I know is that it's the worst.
Me and my best friend played some video games a few days ago. It was really fun, honestly way more fun than I expected to have with him. I stayed up so long with him that I even forgot to eat lunch or dinner or anything because everything was just good with him. Things have been a lot better recently I think. I've tried to stop thinking about my boyfriend as much and that's really helped. Not only that, but I've been waiting fo it to text first more often. Not to the point I ghost it, of course, but just sometimes so that I have a reason to not talk to it. It's not my fault if it can't even bother to text me first. It almost feels like a weight off my back even. Like I may finally be a starting to put in the same amount of effort that it does into the relationship so it can finally see what it's like. Maybe we'll even just stop talking so I don't have to break up with it if it doesn't get better. How wonderful would that be? Then I wouldn't have to worry about anyone but me and my best friends. Of course I'd have only two, but all the newfound confidance would inspire me to go out and meet new people. I know this is heavily idealic, but I don't come on here to write what other people want. This is what I want.
I'm back from Florida and I broke up with my boyfriend!!! Honestly I should've done this ages ago, but im glad I finally did it now. It didn't really care at all, which I guess makes things easier, even if it is a bit of an asshole move. But yeah, we were just really bad for each other. Not to mention all the toxic shit it did and how we enabled each other to be worse people, which I couldn't have anymore now that I'm trying to better myself. I'm so happy to be home though, Florida was just as bad as I expected it to be.
Most of my friends have stopped talking to me so far. I spent too long trying to heal and they got tired of it. I might just give up. I don't know if I'm gonna write here again. Nothing god has come from it.